...of sane ramblings!

...is listening to Rumi speak to her of emptiness... When you are with everyone but me, you're with no one. When you are with no one but me, you're with everyone. Instead of being so bound up with everyone, be everyone. When you become that many, you're nothing. Empty...

...is dabbling in forgiveness - as C.R. Strahan says "Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”

...I am a saint and I am a sinner...we move in and out of darkness and light through out our lives; the fact that I have understood and accepted this gives me enough faith that eventually I will be all light...regardless of how dark I may be as of today...

...has Hakim Sanai's words resontating in her being...The true core of truth goes beyond the terminology of ‘How’ and ‘Why’.... and then to have Rumi reiterate it as...

As salt resolved in the ocean
I was swallowed in God’s sea,
Past faith, past unbelieving,
Past doubt, past certainty.

Suddenly in my bosom
A star shone clear and bright;
All the suns of heaven
Vanished in that star’s light.

...may we all vanish and may we all find our cores!

...is letting Rumi help her find her zen. As Rumi says... 
There is a way between voice and presence...
Where information flows.
In discipline silence it opens...
With wandering talk it closes.

...is watching and counting souls...quite a few came, some lingered, others left and a few returned... a few new ones will join the ranks only to be recounted again...

...is enroute to imploding via her intuition which is the beacon that navigates her through the treacherous karmic waters...

...physically I'm pickled in zukaam, fever, sinus, cough and sneezing!! Emotionally I'm stewing in thoughts!!

...is mesmerized by how life turns into those story books where you choose the page you want to go to next....and you think wow I created this story only to realize it was all written well ahead of your time...all you had to do was let the story choose you....

...when confronted with a totally new view of myself and my purpose in life...I am pushed to take a leap of faith into the unknown, which can feel like annihilation. But then as Rumi says, what is there to be afraid of...

Don't be afraid of nonbeing.
If you want to be afraid,
fear the existence you have now.
Your hopes for the future,
your memories of the past,
what you call yourself,
are nothing.
So nothing is being taken from nothing, and
a nothing is being absorbed by a Nothing.

...of people and shoes...

...as much as you want to see the good in an association...your toe ultimately snags in that one moment which plays the reality check for you. And what stares you in the face are the hollow remains of an association which you thought was still alive and breathing...

...so now that you are awake but still reeling from the shock of it all...what really happened? From the looks of it and what my realist brain and emotional heart have managed to conclude is this...

Imagine walking into a store and buying yourself the most amazing pair of shoes...comfy to the core and sexy as hell!! They go with just about everything in your closet - hell you could walk out naked in them and people would only notice the shoes! That good a pair...

You buy them - and you flaunt them - your friends love them - your family likes them - you peers adore them - you just can't get enough of them! You treasure them...short of sleeping with them *if you slept with them - good on you* you are utterly mesmerized by them... 

And then it happens - they start pinching you in all the wrong places - they bite - they stop being your goto shoes - they don't feel right anymore... And your emotional heart says - it's not the shoe's fault, it's your fault...you wore them with the wrong outfit, you were in a bad mood which reflected of them, you did not clean them enough, you did not take care of them well enough, you wore them out - they needed breathing space... 

But your realist brain knows it's all a bunch of farts! You took care of them; you were with them every step of the way!! Hell you refused to get a second pair since you were emotional about them!! And yet they broke right when you needed them most!! They gave you the worst corn ever - when you needed to walk the last mile the most... 

So what happened?? You gave them everything - yet they left you naked... Why? Because they only know how to take... You bought them and flaunted them - they got their 2 minutes of fame. Your people buzzed around them and it fed their egos...and once their egos were fed - they did what came to them naturally - return the favour - but not how you expected it (: 

...and this is what people do...entice you with their mesmerizing persona's till you are forced to associate with them - once you do - you are all theirs - hook line and sinker - and once they have hollowed you - they walk off (: but yes once in a while you do come across that shoe which has some defect but is just about the ONLY shoe in your closet which is yet to show a crease let alone a crack...

...and that me friends is the shoe we all crave for...the shoe that gives and the shoe for which you are willing to give too (:
 

...of random insights!

...as clichéd as it may sound but the look on my aunt's face who also happens to be my doc - did no wonders for my already failing confidence in the line 'it's nothing to worry about...'

...at 33 - a few days shy of 34, I had been through an emotional roller coaster ride. The g's my emotions put me through and the gut wrenching twists I had experienced had put me in a permanent state of 'nothing is for life...' mantra. But having said that - I am human and I too tend to take things for granted which I did and then "The Highest Being" woke me up and said "rrrreeeaaaalllly??!!" Being human; my immediate response should have been and was 'CRAP!! I forgot...again - can we please ignore this and start again...' 

...but we can't can we (: and that's exactly why we have reminders - to remind us how close we came to ruining it for ourselves and to stop burning ourselves. So you ask - why the self-reflection iyeeji - and I say because if I don't; I fear I will start living in the '..we have time' phase again... Time - which if you really want to boil it down to - I don't have - neither do you - none of us do... 

...so at the cost of NOT sounding like the moral/religious/spiritual/bari appaa/ brigade - let us all get off our bloody high horses and understand that we need to make every second count... How you make it count is your prerogative sweetheart - but either way make it count such that you NEVER have to turn around and regret it (:

...of certain pleasures!

...and she let him soak her...
...and he let her sputter in him...
...and they enjoined to form...
...the basis of an age old love story...

...next came the heat...
...in all forms and manner...
...and they let it simmer...
...till the flavours yielded...
...and they basked in the glory...
...of yet another creation...

...and they called it Nihari...
...while some called it Biryani...

Ehsa'aas

A verse here, a verse there and voila we have an emotion...
I do not own the rights to these verses...these are mere emotions which were part of the breadcumbs that lead me home (:

Garmi sardi ka ehsaas badan per rehne do,
Apne mann ko tann ki sab takleefain sehne do,

Apne kaanon ko sab shor sharaba sun’ne do,
Apni zubaan ko saari sachi batain kehne do,

Apni aankh ke chashme mein sab manzar behne do,
Palkon ki is raah ke sarey kaantey chun’ne do,

Apni zaat ke pathreeley aur banjar-pan mein,
Umeedon ka garam aur meetha chashma behne do..

Moe and Venus...

Venus and her soul mate had a very interesting convo!

They read between the lines, took things at face value, reaffirmed their faith in each other and most importantly understood each other's silence...

As a footnote it's not about his move & not about her move...its their move & they get to decide if & when they want to take it...this no one can take away from them (: lurve venus (:

...shades of grey

...is crying so that she can heal, once healed she can let go. Once she can let go she can let the wound scab. And she's letting it scab so that it does'nt scar....

...is standing at the precipice of an abyss called 'Why'....what remains to be seen is if I take the jump of answers or the leap of ignorance....

...is in the land of wait...for an answer, for a decision, for a choice, for a conclusion, for a beginning, for an end, for a continuation, for a smile, for a tear, for an emotion....for relief....and I wait...

...is vocalizing her bring it on mantra for life..dont ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance and my kindness for weakness!!

I realized...

...the hardest thing about realizing you don't love me, is that you spent so much time pretending that you did.

...just because I come off strong; does not mean I don't fall asleep crying.
...God is closest to those with broken hearts.

...trust is like a broken mirror...you can put it back together but the crack will always show.
...I need to cry to water my soul.

...whatever happens tomorrow...we had our today.

...I can close my eyes to things I don't want to see...but I can't close my heart to things I don't want to feel.

...some chapters need to be closed...other's need to be torn and chucked.

...my heart needs me more than anyone else.